Learning to Feel

Emotions are tangible.  They are real; they cloud your judgement and make you feel like walking around with your head in your hands. For a long time, I refused to validate my feelings,  pretending that if I couldn't exactly put something into words, it must not exist. Writing has always been cathartic for me but lately I see that I have also allowed it to become limiting. Because, ultimately, there are a whole range of emotions that don't fit perfectly into twenty-six letters and I need to be okay with that. I need to be all right with experiencing rather than understanding all the time. And maybe, someday, I will get the maturity and distance to put those emotions into words. Or maybe not. But the truth is, I have been disowning my emotions for too long, deeming them unfit to acknowledge because there are people out there that are smarter than me, wiser, and more experienced. I've been telling myself that the only reason I cannot understand something is because I am not trying hard enough when, in reality, some things are not meant to be deciphered, sometimes the answer is none of the above. So, yes, maybe I will never have all the answers about myself. I am a work in progress; that is the way it is supposed to be. And, I am working on forgiving myself but it is a journey, not a destination.

Finding Purpose

Finding Dory comes out this summer and I'd like to take a moment to remember one of Dory's most iconic lines from Finding Nemo: "When life gets you down do you know what you got to do? Just keep swimming!" That's right Dory, just keep swimming... but wait! How will we know if we are just swimming in circles? Or worse, if we accidentally swim into shark territory. I think we have all been fed this myth that we must always keep moving -- from school to work to extracurricular -- to dull the pain to numb the hurt to quelch the regret. Because if we stop, even for an instant, life will curl at our feet, roll us up like a rug. Will scrolling through miles of social media feed really make you a happier person? It's true that we must embrace change or risk being bogged down in our situations. Action is good but action without purpose is a waste of time and energy. To define purpose, you must be clear-headed. And, to find that clarity, you must commit to remaining still, to being content in your person, and to facing your demons rather than running away from them. So, yeah, keep swimming. But, make sure you are heading in the right direction first.

A Note to My Friends

I'm sitting here, crashed on my bed and I know I probably have some other homework assignment to do that I haven't yet looked at. I know its going to be a long night, not just for me but for most of you, too. We've each got our dreams and we've set them to sail in little rockets. Who knows where we will be 10 years, 15 years from now? We're in an interesting place, all of us together, like when it is pouring outside and a group of strangers huddle under a doorway, waiting for the clouds to pass and for real life to start again. It may seem like we are stuck right now but I know there is no one else I would rather be stuck with. If I'm fortunate enough to consider you in my small group of friends, you are the people that make me laugh at lunch everyday, no matter how hard the morning has been. You're the ones that make sure I eat after I've forgotten to all day. You selflessly help me with the homework I haven't done; you calm me down when I text you, worried and confused by this strange world. Even if I only share a few classes with you, the camaraderie of complaining about assignments and the frantic group chats at midnight motivate me to push harder the next day. I am inspired by each and every one of you, every day. You impress me with your superhuman athletic, artistic, and intellectual abilities. But, more than that, you teach me what it means to be a good human being. You teach me through example to be kind, thoughtful, caring, and open-minded. When you disagree with me, you force me to reevaluate my beliefs. It's stressful right now- testing season is upon us, bringing with it a load of adult responsibilities. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But no matter what the final marks or results end up being, I will always be grateful for the time I have with you. The rain will stop soon and we will go off to our own cars, drive to our own different locations. But while we're here, thank you for taking me with you on this journey. You're the best.

Your friend,
Soumya

Epiphanies from Encounters with a Spider

Yesterday morning I woke up, walked over to the bathroom, and BAM! There in front of me was a black dime-sized spider wiggling up the bright blue wall. Now let me preface this by saying that I really don't like spiders. But my fear of spiders is somewhat different than most people's in the sense that as long as I can't see the spider, I am fine. I crept forward into the bathroom leaving a solid 2-3 foot gap between me and the spider. As I brushed my teeth, I could sometimes see the spider moving on the wall behind me through the mirror, and I let out tiny gasps. Somehow, I hurriedly finished brushing my teeth and scooted out of the bathroom, closing the door firmly behind me and letting out a sigh of relief. However, the experience gave me an epiphany. Living here in Michigan, in the winter months, it is rare to see creatures except for the occasional bird or squirrel. It is easy to begin feeling entitled, as if everything in the world belongs to you and is connected to you. The encounter with the spider was a jolting reminder that I share this world with so many other creatures: insects and animals, birds and humans. Nothing really ever belongs to me, neither my accomplishments nor my burdens. I simply coexist in a complicated equilibrium, each decision I take helping to shift the balance in one direction or the other. Spider or human, each of is on this Earth on a temporary basis. We have a finite number of days to make decisions, to harmonize ourselves to the rest of the world, to experience all that it can offer us. "I have decided to stick with love because hate is too great a burden to bear," said Martin Luther King Jr. And I agree with him because I might not understand a spider or a critter or another human being but I will still try to do my best to respect them. Love is the tempo that cause our hearts to beat in sync with every creature on Earth, large or small.

I am the Universe and the Universe is Me- Happy New Year!

Apparently, each and every one of us contain the Universe within us; the minerals that make us up are created only in the cores of dying stars, the law of conservation of matter tells us that we are made up of the same particles as the brightest planets, the comets that dance through galaxies. The water that courses through our bodies flowed through the Ice Age glaciers, through the dinosaurs and other creatures long extinct... There is a Hindu myth about Lord Krishna who opens his mouth and shows his mother, Yashoda Maiya, the whole Universe inside. I read a story about a girl who said she writes a letter to the Universe every New Year's Eve. Why do we make such a big deal about this date? After all, isn't it just  another "X" on the calendar, another convenient human invention?  I think it is our fascination with numbers, our craving to compartmentalize and file the various parts of our lives in order to process them that makes us reassess the finality of the New Year and brings us closer to the realization of the Universe within us. I've changed a lot this year. I've learned the power of own voice, I've become more unapologetic and more willing to speak up for what I believe in, and I've learned to appreciate the people in my life more. I've consciously challenged my prejudices and become a kinder, more understanding and empathetic person. I'm starting to realize that "done is sometimes better than perfect," as my middle school counselor would say, that the little things I fret about aren't nearly as huge as I think they are. I've come to better terms with the idea that I am growing and evolving just as the world around me changes, and that's okay, it's okay to pursue different avenues and be happy in things I hadn't dreamed of before. I've learned to love myself, and through others, I've come to the realization that I must love my body, as well, because it is the only body I get- something I want to be more aware about in the New Year. Most of all, I'm ready to take the New Year by the reins, to be proud of the things I have already accomplished but also to go confidently in the direction of my dreams. I'm ready to be fueled by positive energies, to stop limiting myself, and to be more. I hold the Universe within me and so do you; we are limitless, powerful, magical, and capable of things we could never imagine. And I'm ready to chase those things into the New Year.

Seasons Greetings

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring — not even a mouse: The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. –Clement C. Moore

Christmas and the holiday season have always been magical for me. I'm the kind of person that goes all out for holidays- I love all the lights and ribbon, I devour Christmas movies, and I'm blasting holiday songs as soon as it's past Thanksgiving. My favorite Christmas Eve, we got to spend at Magic Kingdom in Disney World. We watched a late evening performance of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and then we stayed to watch the special lights and fireworks show. My dad planned the whole trip and I know he would have moved heaven and Earth just so that his princess could spend Christmas Eve at Cinderella's Castle. Although we're not Christian, Christmas time has always been synonymous for time with family, an opportunity to think about those less fortunate, and a desire to spread happiness and light to those around me. Over the years, we've developed our own holiday traditions- I've rarely ever missed a year of A Charlie Brown Christmas or snuggling in with a comforter to ring in the New Year with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin. Holiday dinners are a big deal and we are constantly trying to outdo ourselves. In the end, the holidays are about being grateful for the experiences of the past year and hopeful to everything the New Year has to offer. Our warmest wishes to you, this holiday season. Wherever you are, we hope your holidays are joyous and beautiful ♡

Love,
Soumya

        

           

 

Bobbing Seaside

A fishing bob is a buoyant, usually red, piece of cork used to suspend fishing line. The line is cast into the water and the bobber rests on top. As the waves lap around it, sometimes it remains fully submerged in water, other times it trembles just above, basking under a scorching sun. Sometimes, I like to think of human existence using the analogy of the bobber. Everyday, we are constantly bombarded by negativity and violence. We bounce along, contemplating our existential conflicts. We are one among billions of bobbers in an endless ocean. And sometimes it is so easy to slip under the water, to want to isolate yourself from all the troubles, to find solitude in the confines of your own silent bubble. It is easy to be overwhelmed by the tribulations of daily life and become caught in a cloud of cynicism. But no matter how much it wants to, the bobber can't stay under water and it emerges again into the light of day. In literature, the color red, like the bobber, signifies a beacon and a desire for attention. I think it is a beautiful thought that no matter how dark the world gets, we will send our beacons of light up, to let others know we are here. And we will ride the waves of our worries together.