La Vie Sans Regret

I haven't been able to write much over the last few months. I have struggled to put pen to paper in a way that felt real and authentic to myself. I've had to grapple with the idea of my own ignorance, my identity in a world that is so much bigger than I will ever be able to fathom. And I have had to allow myself to feel and experience things in a way I never have before. In short, I have felt inadequate to hold the power of words and temporarily turned over the responsibility to people far more capable of wielding them. I have fallen asleep sobbing to the words of angelic artists with scratchy voices. I have devoured literature -- eaten up the words of times and places so very different from my own. I have become a thousand and one different people while struggling to find myself. I've reopened the lines of my faith, dusted of the old wall-phone, and had some of my most genuine conversations with God. On the surface, the last few months have been perfect -- a pristine collection of events lined up in exactly the right order. In reality, the past few months have been even more beautiful than that -- they've been a messy journey of growing up, being raw and vulnerable, and, above all, continuing to learn even when I feel like curling up into a ball and hiding. And I've learned the hard way that it's okay to validate my feelings and emotions, that it doesn't make me a selfish person and in fact it might make me a better person. With these lessons in my backpack, I'm moving forward into 2017 with a commitment to live life without regrets -- to be bold and loud and honest and to allow myself the time to soak up the everyday miracles around me. My whole life I have planned this perfect trajectory calculating how far I am from where I think I "should" be, but I want to learn how to set myself free. I want to learn to be silly and reckless and "Y.O.L.O." every once in a while, even if the statistic probability of success is low. I want to learn to laugh without regrets because, like my dad says, without laughter none of this is worth it.