Adulting
I realized I was adulting when I put away a pair of shiny five inch heels in exchange for more practical shoes. I also realized it when I was stuck with a group of teenagers in the middle of Nashville with an Uber app but no credit card. Or again when we were stranded at a Cook Out fast food joint with no ride, no phone battery, and greasy onion rings. My parents like to make fun of me; they tell me growing up was hard for everybody and I'm not the first person to do it. But I really do have the vague impression that perhaps I am not cut out for this. Perhaps I am like the Titanic, young and proud with dreams too big for my own good. At some point, someone drags us to market, tells us to trade in make-believe for sensibility. It's like driving away from a childhood home: if I turn my head ever so slightly, I can glimpse myself running around in my mom's work pumps, frilly skort, and rainbow sunglasses. I can see myself scribbling away in journals of lined paper, the Creator of my own worlds. All I have to do is turn the steering wheel a little and I could go back to all of that. But oh look -- that's something that's new now. I'm the one sitting behind the steering wheel. Someone convinced my parents to let me drive and here I am weeks away from my license and that magic number -- my 16th birthday. And what about that college tour to the school 8 hours from home with a good pre-med program? When I was younger, growing up was easy. It was going to the mall or movies with your friends or being able to use the stove or not having a bedtime. But now I have all those things and I'm not quite sure what that means. Where do I go from here? Taxes and 401k's and calcium supplements? I guess I'll let you know when I figure it out...
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Friday, June 10, 2016
Learning to Feel
Emotions are tangible. They are real; they cloud your judgement and make you feel like walking around with your head in your hands. For a long time, I refused to validate my feelings, pretending that if I couldn't exactly put something into words, it must not exist. Writing has always been cathartic for me but lately I see that I have also allowed it to become limiting. Because, ultimately, there are a whole range of emotions that don't fit perfectly into twenty-six letters and I need to be okay with that. I need to be all right with experiencing rather than understanding all the time. And maybe, someday, I will get the maturity and distance to put those emotions into words. Or maybe not. But the truth is, I have been disowning my emotions for too long, deeming them unfit to acknowledge because there are people out there that are smarter than me, wiser, and more experienced. I've been telling myself that the only reason I cannot understand something is because I am not trying hard enough when, in reality, some things are not meant to be deciphered, sometimes the answer is none of the above. So, yes, maybe I will never have all the answers about myself. I am a work in progress; that is the way it is supposed to be. And, I am working on forgiving myself but it is a journey, not a destination.
Emotions are tangible. They are real; they cloud your judgement and make you feel like walking around with your head in your hands. For a long time, I refused to validate my feelings, pretending that if I couldn't exactly put something into words, it must not exist. Writing has always been cathartic for me but lately I see that I have also allowed it to become limiting. Because, ultimately, there are a whole range of emotions that don't fit perfectly into twenty-six letters and I need to be okay with that. I need to be all right with experiencing rather than understanding all the time. And maybe, someday, I will get the maturity and distance to put those emotions into words. Or maybe not. But the truth is, I have been disowning my emotions for too long, deeming them unfit to acknowledge because there are people out there that are smarter than me, wiser, and more experienced. I've been telling myself that the only reason I cannot understand something is because I am not trying hard enough when, in reality, some things are not meant to be deciphered, sometimes the answer is none of the above. So, yes, maybe I will never have all the answers about myself. I am a work in progress; that is the way it is supposed to be. And, I am working on forgiving myself but it is a journey, not a destination.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Finding Purpose
Finding Dory comes out this summer and I'd like to take a moment to remember one of Dory's most iconic lines from Finding Nemo: "When life gets you down do you know what you got to do? Just keep swimming!" That's right Dory, just keep swimming... but wait! How will we know if we are just swimming in circles? Or worse, if we accidentally swim into shark territory. I think we have all been fed this myth that we must always keep moving -- from school to work to extracurricular -- to dull the pain to numb the hurt to quelch the regret. Because if we stop, even for an instant, life will curl at our feet, roll us up like a rug. Will scrolling through miles of social media feed really make you a happier person? It's true that we must embrace change or risk being bogged down in our situations. Action is good but action without purpose is a waste of time and energy. To define purpose, you must be clear-headed. And, to find that clarity, you must commit to remaining still, to being content in your person, and to facing your demons rather than running away from them. So, yeah, keep swimming. But, make sure you are heading in the right direction first.
Finding Dory comes out this summer and I'd like to take a moment to remember one of Dory's most iconic lines from Finding Nemo: "When life gets you down do you know what you got to do? Just keep swimming!" That's right Dory, just keep swimming... but wait! How will we know if we are just swimming in circles? Or worse, if we accidentally swim into shark territory. I think we have all been fed this myth that we must always keep moving -- from school to work to extracurricular -- to dull the pain to numb the hurt to quelch the regret. Because if we stop, even for an instant, life will curl at our feet, roll us up like a rug. Will scrolling through miles of social media feed really make you a happier person? It's true that we must embrace change or risk being bogged down in our situations. Action is good but action without purpose is a waste of time and energy. To define purpose, you must be clear-headed. And, to find that clarity, you must commit to remaining still, to being content in your person, and to facing your demons rather than running away from them. So, yeah, keep swimming. But, make sure you are heading in the right direction first.
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